Time

It was around this time last year that my husband told me that our marriage was over. I was shocked, stunned and went into a form of denial. Easter fell a few weeks later and I went through it in a bit of a haze. I had heard his words, but I couldn't quite believe them. And because we hadn't told our son, I thought there was still a chance to fix things. But it wasn't to be.

Now it's Easter a year later and while sitting in church this morning, I began to reflect over the last year. It took me until December to actually accept that divorce would be my fate. It is not something I want-not even today. But it is not something I will fight. You can't fix two people's problems by yourself and you can't make someone feel or do something they don't want to. Those are two, of many, lessons I've learned this past year. 

I've had to hold my tongue more than I ever thought possible, so I am grateful to have learned grace under pressure. I also quickly found my footing in consistently being the bigger person (which has visibly shocked a good number of people), even when I didn't want to be. 

I was reminded that God is always with me, even if He is silent. I have seen countless friends take my hand and carry me when I was simply unable to carry myself. And I have witnessed the unmeasured resiliency of a child. 

A really important lesson I've learned (well...that I'm still learning) is that happiness is what you make it. It's not your situation or where you live or what you have. And it is certainly not due to another person. It's your attitude. It's your outlook. 

Despite all those lessons, I am so thankful to God that the last year is behind me. It was the darkest time of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know all the dark days are not behind me, but I am farther today than I was yesterday. And that is a relief. 

What I find most encouraging is that I sat there and found myself wondering what next Easter would bring. I was imagining another year gone by and being even further from this tragedy. And that may sound like I'm wishing my life away. I'm not. I am making the most of each day. But what I've found is that regardless of all the good advice you get, all the therapy, all the prayers, nothing heals like time... that has been my greatest lesson of all.